Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
You Might Also Like
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Fiction has to make sense.
Britain be like
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!