Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
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If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Plant care tips
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
still the best tweet of the year by far
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied