Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
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*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.