“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 馃憖
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Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don鈥檛 need a prescription to get Xanax.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What鈥檚 wrong?
3: We鈥檙e dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don鈥檛 threaten me with a good time. I won鈥檛 come back
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me 鈥淒id mommy say that?”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can鈥檛 think straight
-i鈥檓 exhausted
-3 people are dead
I don鈥檛 know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I鈥檒l see myself out.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that鈥檚 not fried