I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
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I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
we did it you guys we saved daylight
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Noted.