A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.