Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
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boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Schrödinger’s cookie
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
“We will wed,” I threatened
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the