Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
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fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.