ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
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Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Tony Hawk, age 6
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”