Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
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An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?