Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
You Might Also Like
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Your secret is safeish with me
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.