losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I need to update my racial profile.