a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
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Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.