The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
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How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.