Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
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Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.