Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
The news in a nutshell.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.