Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
You Might Also Like
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.