There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
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If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
This kid is a star!
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.