[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
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I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
*watches the world burn*
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?