You know…for fall…
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Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I’M CRYINGGG
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.