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Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!