Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Money is the root of all wealth
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”