Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
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I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.