I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
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Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Somebody’s lying.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
An odd boast
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What