“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
You Might Also Like
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
this article brought to you by lions
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go