The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
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What flavor cupcake are these
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.