If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
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I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds