This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
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Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H