[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
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I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Fluff me with a fork baby
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl