[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Well, this is awkward
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now