*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
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I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Just how popey was the pope today?
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.