In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
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Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.