Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
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them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you