Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
*hires sky writer*
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K A R E N.