if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
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Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.