Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
You Might Also Like
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
this chia pet tastes awful
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?