DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
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I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.