pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
RT if you could go either way.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
getting corrected
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
remember
only for emergencies
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand