The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
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This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again