Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
You Might Also Like
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”