i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
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I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.