“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
are there any atheist mantises?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.