Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
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I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.