My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
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If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
he was correct
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.