Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
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Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.