*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm