Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
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My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.