Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
You Might Also Like
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude