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Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Ah yes. The three genders
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.