My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
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It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP: